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Rebuzzed from the BuzzArcHives – December 2003 (approximately)

We hear it all the time, ain’t no shame in my game.  While in fact, hiding and disguising shame is really a game all its on.  For some, shame paralyzes them where they are for they can not imagine taking the “shameful” steps towards realizing where they ought to be. Shameful in the sense that it does not meet the approval of those they give power in their lives.
Shame keeps us from valuing ourselves in our families, our relationships or interactions with other people.  Without healing, our own shame can be projected onto our children which often causes us to overcompensate to keep them from feeling the pain and anger we may have experienced in our own  childhood.

The amount of shame we feel drives our ambitions or lack of ambition.  Shame drives our debts instead of wealth, as we attempt to dress up our exteriors knowing that people judge us from the outside instead of the inside.  Shame keeps us from living within our means because we still carry the hurt of those that judge us for what we do not have.  Shame keeps us keeping up with the Jones because we are envious of their success and are unable to recognize the blessings in our own.

Shame is a feeling, when unrecognized, is often displayed as pain, anger, contempt, withdrawal, or neglect, or other emotions sometimes countered with rage.  When people act out rage towards us, the first thing we wonder is what happened or where did that come from?  There actions go unexplained because they themselves do not recognize the root of their rage is the result of their recall of shame.  Shame could also result in depression or anxiety.  We are unable to move beyond it because we accept the standards of others and allow these standards to have power in our lives.

Simple signs of shame could be found in a persons destructive behaviors and actions with regard to warding off shame.  Such as what they wear, do, say, or their actions or reactions.  These behaviors ward off shame temporarily because it is still inside and remains there only rising to the surface again in the face of disappointment, anger, contempt or resentment. Shame is paralyzing and its effects keeps us limited unless we begin to heal from it.

Healing shame begins with learning what we believe about ourselves. It starts with how we were valued in the very beginning, from childhood.  By the time we are adults, shame could have derived from many sources, including our parents, friends, relationships and other adults that held authoritative or respected positions in our lives.

According to the Counseling and Guidance Center, Bethesda, Maryland, individuals attend A Workshop for Understanding and Healing the Hurts, Angers and Destructive Behaviors of Growing Up in a Shame-Based Family, conducted by Robert Caldwell, M. Div., CPC, LPC, Shame is the unrelenting feeling of being “not wanted” and of being not worthy of being wanted. Shame is experienced whenever what you believe to be your “worthless,” “inadequate,” “bad” self is threatened with being exposed and you feel in danger of being humiliated and rejected by others.

The center helps individuals recognize that Shame can develop in childhood. If you–not your actions–were labeled as “bad,” “wrong,” and “not deserving” by your parents or other caregivers, you grew up in a shame-based family. You then began to think of yourself as different from others and not unacceptable. As a child you did not know how you were different and unacceptable, you only believed, deep within you, that it was true.

The consequences of shame for an adult are so toxic, so debilitating, that shame may well be your most destructive emotion. You may perceive that you are separated from your real self and from others. You may have a feeling of disconnection and “floating.” You may suffer from depression. You may hold tightly to your image and “pretend” that you are like other people, that you are OK. If you have not dealt with your shame, you will constantly strive to prove that you are as good as others–and never succeed.

The wounds of shame can be healed. You are not condemned by your past to suffer again and again the pains and handicaps of your beginnings. By uncovering and facing the shame-abuse ordeals of childhood, by developing ways to undo and reframe and defuse these early traumas, and by learning to create a web of supportive relationships, you can become freer of the burdens of your shame-based history than you had dared hope.

Recognize the shame in your game and you will begin to see the blessings in your own life and accomplishments.  You have nothing to be ashamed of so stop giving away your power to others.  You are an individual created in the greatest image and no one should be given the power to judge you otherwise.  Until now, shame may have blocked your blessings and kept you from happiness, success, or maybe true love for yourself.

To start your healing process, access and confront your shame experiences.  Maybe as a child you were ridiculed or teased because you were too big, too thin, too short or not to mention the experiences and challenges we have faced over skin color or the trivial issues of good and bad hair.  Recognize how your shame was created and that it is not your fault.  An examination of self and total recall of your past will help you to discover the devastating results of shame on your life, relationships and accomplishments.

Heal from shame and you will recognize the power of the universe at your disposal.  The greater answers you seek may vividly be inside you when you recognize shame in your game.