John Travolta’s Son – Dead at 16

My condoliances to John Travolta and his family.

I wrote this article last year. I hope it is of some help to families that are grieving the death of a child. My thoughts and wishes are with all who grieve.
Dr. Terrie Modesto, Thanatologist
http://www.drterriemodesto.com

DEATH OF A CHILD

By Dr. M Therese (Terrie) Modesto
Chief Thanatologist TEAR Center
©2008 TEAR Center All rights reserved
Introduction
Some of the hardest times in a family’s life is during the dying and death of a child. No one in our current Western culture expects a child to die before a parent or grandparent. We expect those who are much older and perhaps sicker to die earlier than a child particularly a young child.
This is a relatively new way to consider the experience of living and dying. Up until the last 100 years it was often expected that a family would have at least one infant or child related death in each family’s generation. The mortality rate for children was particularly high.
With the availability of vaccinations, better nutrition and pubic health medicine, the rate of child mortality has dropped significantly and studiedly. In the course of a century, our expectations concerning the death of a child have dropped radically.
The death of a child and the affect on siblings
Depending on the age of the siblings there can be a number of mixed feelings that can occur. The child(ren) will naturally be upset that their brother / sister is gravely ill. If they are very young they might not fully have the ability to articulate in general language terms the severity of the illness. However even very young children will understand that they brother or sister is very ill and could die.
For the very young child, the attention span is very limited when it comes to a conversation. This will naturally be the case concerning a serious conversation about their sibling’s illness. It should be expected that the subject will quickly change to conversations on other topics. This is even more of the case when the child is uncomfortable about the subject or is having difficulty understanding the words and concepts that are being used in the conversation.
Older children may become very well versed in medical terms and procedures because of the numerous conversations and procedures that occur during a life process of a child living with a life threatening illness. In many occurrences the older siblings will by necessity grow up and mature beyond their biological age.
Older children in particular will often feel guilt along with sadness that their sibling has died. Part of the guilt may be that now they will receive more attention or that they will receive perhaps the bedroom or toys etc that were once their siblings. It can be difficult for them to understand the full spectrum of emotions that can occur when a loved one dies.
For all the children regardless of age, there may be a sense of relief that the ill sibling has died. This is due in part because they just want the difficult situation to be over with. The attitude of most children is that they want to fit in and be like all the other children they associate with. Most other families do not have a child that is gravely ill with frequent and prolonged medical crisis. The death of a child will generate hope in the surviving children that the family will become ‘normal’ or ‘average’ just like everyone else.
It is often very helpful to arrange for siblings of all ages to attend children grief support programs. Frequently these support programs are offered for free or at minimal expense through hospice programs and school care programs.
Additionally many of the children hospitals will have on-going support programs for the entire family that are age and circumstance appropriate. These are excellent programs that are offered by professionals well versed in children and family issues of grief and illness related stress. It is strongly recommended that everyone in the family participate as much as possible.
` The death of a child and the parental relationship.
There is a great deal of stress that parents and guardians of a very sick child experiences. With advancements in medical science, the life threatening illness of many children is prolonged. Life of a child can be extended from a few weeks to now in some cases to years. Having a child with a life threatening illness causes a great deal of the stress and strain emotionally, physically and financially on the family. It can be extremely taxing on the immediate family with it especially affecting the parents.
Many parents of terminal life expectancy children postpone both the development of adult relational bonds as well as to avoid relationship problems for the sake of full concentration of affection for the ill child. Many parents will do all they can, at all cost to provide as solid a family structure much as possible for the sake of the child. This is highly noble but often the postponement of both development of the adult relationship as well as the correction or modification of serious issues in a family can in the long term do serious damage to the relationship and marriage / partnership.
Many parental relationships do not survive five years past the death of a child. Often there is either blame or guilt concerning the death of the child. This is often verbally stated to one or both of the parents in their time of mourning and grief.
The financial hardship can also be the result of a sick child. This can be very stressful to a couple emotionally, physically as well as economically. With a sick child that may be terminal, often there is not the opportunity for one or both parents to elect additional outside work to augment the regular income and help defer medical expenses and other bills. The debt continues to mount even after the death of the child with the funeral expenses. Often chronically ill children or those with a possible life threatening illness do not have life insurance to help reduce the debt the family has sustained.
Frequently the parents are young and their economic resources are very limited. Additionally, the skills and experience with dealing with highly stressful difficulties as a couple is limited. All of this plus many other issues and circumstances can result in the breakdown of the relationship.
It is important that parents enduring the progression of a child with a life threatening ill or who have experienced the death of a child receive emotional support from family, friends and associates for an extended period of time. Unfortunately this is often not the experience of immediate families after the death of a child
Family, friends and associates are often the hardest segments of the population to solicit support from. Many are having to deal with their own grief at the death of a child and are feeling the need to avoid the parents because of the pain associated with that sort of contact and issue. It can also be a reminder to those affiliated with the family that life is fragile and that even their healthy children could be considered at some sort of risk of death.
Since as a society we do not have as much experience with a death of a child currently due to lower child mortality, we as a collective community do not have the skills, sensitivities and abilities that former generations had. There is also less personal empathy, since fewer families are experiencing that sort of death experience.
SUMMARY
While there is a lower child mortality rate in today’s society, there is also a need for support care professionals to be more aware and sensitive to the longer term issues of a family of a child that is dying or has died. These support care professionals include staff of Employee Assistance Programs, School Counselors, Clergy, Medical Care Providers, etc. Additionally social organizations such as Scout Troops, sport leagues etc need to have education available to help them better respond to a family grieving the death of a child.
Funeral service providers can be instrumental in proactive education within the community. Pamphlets can be made available for individuals who are paying their respects at the viewing and / or funeral that outlines ways to help a grieving family when there is a death of a child.
For more information on handouts that can be used for this type of situation, please contact Dr. Modesto, Chief Thanatologist at the TEAR Center http://www.drterriemodesto.com