At the dawning of hip hop, LL Cool J gave us the ballad which took the new music genre and our hearts in a new direction. Here, a late night rambling moment gone blogging turns into an “I Need Love” revisited.
Hair She Goes! What I Know Now — My Life Did Not Facilitate Companionship — To This Point | Hope It’s Not True Forever
Hair She Goes! — Here in this empty space of time — which means no one is presently, at post time, asking me for anything — thus I write. Alone with my thoughts, I will continue this post until my next meeting, now delayed some 12 minutes, or a kid of mines comes around the corner.
It’s the end of the day. The thoughts in my head have been circling all day. I’ve pushed them aside a time or two. There’s no one person I’d rather have this discussion with, so why not drop it in wordpress, publish it to DryerBuzz.com and see where it goes.
What I know now — right now — my life did not facilitate companionship — to this point.
I’m a woman. I have wants. I was going to write needs, but I backspaced. LOL. The truth is trying to slip through — bear with me.
LL Cool J said a couple of words in his Oprah interview that I absolutely took to heart — true forever. In the interview, Oprah asked LL if his song “I Need Love” would ring true today. LL replied that the song was “true forever.” Be still my heart. WATCH
True forever — true forever echoed in my head since the interview. Not saying I lived a rock star’s life, but it did not facilitate companionship. I need love, but at the same time….
I’ve been trying to face my truth — my life did not facilitate companionship — to this point.
I asked my timeline after the LL interview, what do we know about ourselves to be true forever? Wanting to find a semblance of understanding about who I was in respect to being a potential companion, I started facing my truths. “Truth will set you free,” they say. But what about me is “true forever?”
I’m at a time in my life where I can actually sit, blog, and only be interrupted occasionally. I’m at that point in life where there is no need to rush home at the end of a day. The kids are grown and life can be spontaneous. I love enjoying the city. I hate calling friends to come with — who am I kidding — there are no numbers in my phone. I don’t save them. As for acquaintances, they usually can’t enjoy an evening at the drop of a dime. Plus, they have companions.
[Feel free to click the listen button above to have this post read for you]
What I know now — my life did not facilitate companionship — to this point. This is no surprise to me except when I think about it like now. I am married to my
blog DryerBuzz.com! It has been my companion for the past decade. The only thing I have committed to other than my kids — they might argue that point.
My last attempt at companionship was four years ago. WOW. I remember like it was yesterday. I forgot it also. It wasn’t until the guy in question liked a post on Facebook that I clicked the link to see our friendship and saw we had not spoken in four years. Damn.
I spent the last four years doing what I really love — raising my family and as you can see — selfishly doing me. I lost track of time. I knew then what I know now — my life did not facilitate companionship — to this point.
The coming of this new year, (not to mention Valentine’s day), and watching another off spring find independence, the thought of companionship has been on my mind. So much so that I asked a brother out to lunch. He probably thinks I’m crazy and is still processing the invite. Unbeknown to him — I’ve moved on. I am told that I am very impatient. Men take too much in to account just to go to lunch or dinner. It ain’t that serious — or is it?
I have been thinking a lot about what guys have told me in the past. There was the one who said I don’t make my “whole self” available. He had marriage in mind. I have kids with a couple of these guys — hey, I have atoned for that so let’s not go there.
Apparently, to this point — I was not the marrying type. Didn’t you listen to the podcast “Why Didn’t I Get Married,” where I spoke with an intuitive who told me at the time I didn’t believe in death do us part. She said up to that point that I was playing, yet one day a guy would come along and change my heart. HA! He ain’t come yet.
There was also the podcast with Janks Morton who knows “What Black Men Think” where I slipped up and discovered more truths about myself. That podcast was called “Why Mr Right is Wrong For You Right Now.” The universe will send a message won’t she.
The intuitive told me to divorce myself from time. Morton gave me some homework as well. Well, I hate homework and damn it’s been four years. How much more time do I have?
Well, here’s the thing. I’m back to Mr Right being wrong for me right now. In fact, what I know now, my life obviously still does not facilitate companionship. I tried to step out there. Get my feet wet again. But there were all these reasons to pull back AGAIN. Some are my own reasons. Others from the evolution of modern day relationships. A couple of reasons I fixed and a few more I will address at some point.
My past tells me that once upon a time, I attracted not the one interested in me but the one interested in challenging me. Complicated right?
Seems like the men in my past all had a bet going to see which one could make me give in or give up what I love so much. I’m speaking in hindsight here. I remember a guy telling me “you think you’re cute.” I do walk around with that perception, even on my worst days. It’s a big world. I have to display confidence. I rocks me.
Another from my past once said his pet peeve was my affinity for authors and going to book signings. He didn’t understand what I saw in them. Damn dude. Didn’t you realize I interview authors damn near daily and attend book signings often. The endless bookshelves of personally autographed literature wasn’t a clue? His goal was to changed me. Let me stop or I will never get another date. Oh wait! My life did not facilitate companionship — to this point.
I was chatting with a guy friend on Facebook. I decided to show some interest. He liked to engage me with his point of view and I would give my point of view in return. I soon realized by his responses that expressing my opinion was a turnoff for him. This mofo likes “one word” women. Seems like my responses were suppose to only include one word praises.
According to my podcast with Morton, like many women, I didn’t get some key message from my father. Dad and I have always had serious two way conversations. But our relationship — as unique as it was — did not translate into what I needed to build future relationships.
[Interrupted – time for meeting]
It’s time for my meeting. Just when I was getting to the good stuff.
Bottom line. I have got to figure this out. I cannot live a life that does not facilitate companionship. My family, made up of of couples, are going on a retreat. I declined again this year as one of two single people. As I think about entertaining the idea of companionship, even after this past four years, I may not be ready. Especially if it means what I think it means.
For me, there is too much anxiety to allowing someone into my life. Relationship debates scare me after hearing from what’s out there. I’m amazed how complicated people have made companionship. I have not put myself in any position to meet anyone. I guess the whole me is still unavailable. Will change come in another four years? I better divorce myself from time. It could be a long wait.
Meanwhile – my life did not facilitate companionship — to this point. I hope this is not true forever.
Yalanda P Lattimore ~ Buzz Authority, Cultural critic and Editor at http://DryerBuzz.com ~ Decade Blogging. You are buzz worthy.
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